Hey, look.
Ok. Do I have your attention? Great.
This is going to sound pretty harsh, but we need everyone to stand up and climb out of the Internet for a little while.
I know, I know. It’s annoying. But we need everyone to participate here. There are terrorists doing terrorisms across the web and if everyone would kindly just collect their personal belongings, exit the Internet, and stand over here in a queue for a just a little bit, we might be able to solve this terrorism thing.
I see you over there relaxing. Maybe you are shopping for shoes. Those are pretty good shoes, but $150? I’m not so sure about that price tag. Maybe wait until after the holidays for a nice little price drop? Just saying is all. But cute shoes for sure. The brown ones are better. Yeah. Those.
Anyway, look, it’s no secret - ISIS is here. ISIL is here. Maniacs are here zipping around in the wires and in the tubes, from box to box, and we just have to catch them before they can facebook a message to an untraceable twitter account and have an explosive town hall recruiting session on grindr or maybe in dropbox. Who can say?
The Internet is made of miles and miles of tubes and string and if everyone who is a good person would just simply get out of the Internet for a little while, we (the good guys) might be able to get in there and find the terrorists (the bad guys) because they will almost certainly be the only ones still zipping around from server to server. Zip. Zap. Zoom. Click. Buzzing noise. Connection lost. You’re under arrest!
You get the idea.
Right now, before you enter that chat room, before you broadcast a vine into a tumblr, just remember: don’t! Step aside and lay your body across an analog chair. Think about the way birds are for just a little while. Ha! Remember feathers? Weird! Maybe rub your fingers over some soft fabric and think idly about how far the nearest fawn is from your body at this very moment. Could be pretty far. But maybe not! One thing is for certain - while you are doing all of this we will be sweeping the wires, tubes, boxes, servers, monitors, printers, cords, and keyboards for terrorism. And we will find it. And also we will get it into very strong handcuffs or other types of restrains. AND. We will remove it from the Internet and save the world from bombs.
Think of this: a world without nasty strangers holding bombs.
We can achieve these things. At this very moment, science is injecting a huge tube of SEAL Team 6’s into some of the main tributaries of data that flow into the greater river of the Internet. They will drive powerful boats through the web and, look, if they find you in there after we asked you politely to extricate yourself from the Internet JUST FOR A LITTLE WHILE, you will likely be shot and killed in a very dramatic and, frankly, awesome way. See because they will think you are doing a terrorism since we clearly and kindly asked you to leave and you didn’t.
Are you even on our side? The good side? Gosh, man, I hope so.
So, please, put your clothes back on and get out of the Internet for just few minutes. Like two hours tops, ok? Allow us to sweep the tubes so we can get the terrorism out. Then everyone can get back into blogging and kernels and direct messaging and even everyone’s favorite pastime, email.
Thanks. We really appreciate your help.
